31

I'm not even going to write anymore or even edit this review because I'm so sick of thinking about the mess that is 31.  This review may not be professional, but neither was the movie.


Rob Zombie movies have always polarized audiences. I myself have a love/hate relationship with them. Visually they are, in a way, very beautiful and unique. Take some of the shots from Halloween 2, they are downright gorgeous and I don't even like that film! Add in his uncanny ability to pick the perfect songs for his films and he can truly makes something wonderful. Just look at The Devil's Rejects as the perfect example of what he is capable of doing. Sadly his greatest weakness will always be his writing and 31 suffers from it. In fact it suffers from too many problems to count. Such a shame nothing about this movie works, I was very optimistic.

I've been trying for two weeks to write this god forsaken review for 31. That is way more time than any normal person should spend thinking about such an atrocious mess. Bottom line I hate this film. There are no likable characters, not even the villains are all that memorable, except for Doom-Head, but he disappears for most of the film and is underutilized.

The make-up and special effects are well done, when you can see them, but everything is obscured by the Rob Zombie seizure cam. Seriously someone give his cameraman some valium so he will chill the fuck out.  Maybe he is just trying to create the sense of chaos in the more violent scenes I suppose, but it does NOT work. That is unless his desired result is to give the audience motion sickness.

Ughhh, man, this is hard. I’m trying to be sort of nice about my hatred for this movie, but I can’t do it anymore. This is THE biggest pile of shit. I’d rather watch the abortion video I was forced to watch back in bible school (yup, that happened).  I’d rather stick a glass needle in my urethra and smash my dick with a hammer than watch this “film” again. If I were any of the actors in this film I would be embarrassed. Rob Zombie can do better.  The audience can do better.  Don’t watch this film.